Episode Transcript
[00:00:09] Speaker A: You're listening to Selling the Dream. This isn't an interview and we're not journalists, but each week we'll ask our guests to open up and share their secrets to business success.
Let's have a conversation and have some fun. Hello everyone and welcome to a new season of Selling the Dream.
Season three, Episode one where here at Selling the Dream, we talk about sales, we talk about entrepreneurship, we talk about leadership, we talk about a lot of things here on our podcast, all in an effort to learn and grow and, and have fun while we're doing it. And speaking of having fun, as always, joined by my co host coming from California, Joe Iredell. Joe, I hope you had a great summer, man.
[00:00:50] Speaker B: Man, it was good.
I'm glad that you made it back from Mexico. Okay, brother.
[00:00:56] Speaker A: It was, did we, did we touch on the Mexico thing in any of. We haven't even had a podcast since then, right?
[00:01:02] Speaker B: I don't know. I didn't, I didn't think you were going to make it back to the States, so I started.
[00:01:09] Speaker A: When I tell people that I, I walked to the border and walked over the border with my luggage to get to Tijuana, to get to Cabo, I tell it just like that because that's exactly what we did. And people like, wait, what you did?
[00:01:24] Speaker B: Go hack, bro. Tj.
[00:01:26] Speaker A: Unbelievable.
[00:01:28] Speaker B: From tj.
[00:01:29] Speaker A: But so short, short story. We, we were nine day trip, we traveled for five days and was in Mexico for four days. It was, it was some of the craziest stuff that's ever happened to us. But we did get there. We had a chance to hang out with the, with the family, with all the kids in Mexico and, and, and you know, obviously you and I got a chance to hang out and, and catch up and it was awesome, man. I really, really enjoyed it.
[00:01:55] Speaker B: That was fun, man. We gotta, we gotta plan something again. Maybe not, maybe we'll, we'll, we'll keep it in the States for you this year, buddy.
[00:02:04] Speaker A: I appreciate it. Unless your private jets up and running then, then maybe, maybe.
[00:02:09] Speaker B: That could be, that could very well be a possibility. You know, I was on the COVID of Franchise Journal this month. There's a nice little write up, an article about, about my, my new venture.
[00:02:20] Speaker A: Wait, wait, were you on the COVID or was your venture on the COVID Because I don't think you were. I didn't. I am.
[00:02:25] Speaker B: I am.
So my company, my, my new company was featured on the COVID of Franchise Journal and there's a three page write up about myself and my partner and all the great Things that we're doing to help people with diabetic issues and, and all that. And we're opening about 150 locations all across the country right now.
[00:02:44] Speaker A: So now I think it's awesome. And I'm not trying to take anything away from the accomplishment. I just want to make sure we were clear that you were not on the code.
[00:02:52] Speaker B: I'm not the elderly lady that looks like she best life.
[00:02:58] Speaker A: I'm not her, but she's great.
We have an awesome show today. Very, very excited to have our guest.
Our guest is a therapist, a coach, an executive coach, works with families, works with folks with ptsd.
Owner of the Solutions therapy group, Stacy Nichols Pelley. Stacy, thank you so, so much for joining us today.
[00:03:26] Speaker C: I'm excited. Thank you.
Before we begin, can I just ask one quick question?
[00:03:32] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:03:32] Speaker C: Walking across the border with your suitcase,
[00:03:36] Speaker A: it's exactly what you think it is.
So in San Diego, you can drive to the border and they have the cross border exchange where you get out of your Uber, you walk across the border, and you actually end up in Tijuana airport. Like you walk through over the bridge and now you, you're in Tijuana airport. It was surprisingly easy. Like when Joe's telling me this, I'm in Philadelphia and I'm like, dude, our flight just got canceled. There's no way we're making it to Mexico. He's like, wait, fly to San Diego, drive to Tijuana and then fly to Cabo. There's like a flight every hour out of Tijuana.
[00:04:15] Speaker B: Sure enough, my wife and four kids without myself and one might did it like a day before that. No problem.
It's. It's pretty common. It sounds crazy, but it's not that crazy. It's a.
[00:04:28] Speaker A: But when we blind faith, Stacy, we're
[00:04:30] Speaker C: like, okay, right when you said it, I'm like, I've been there a lot. I don't remember ever walking the suitcase.
[00:04:40] Speaker A: But when we got there, we got into the Tijuana airport and it was fine. Right? I mean, everything at that point, we were, it was smooth sailing. It was all the cancellations and missed flights and this and that leading up to that. But what a, what a crazy, crazy trip.
[00:04:55] Speaker C: What a great story.
[00:04:57] Speaker A: One for the ages. There's a great Facebook post on it.
You follow me on Facebook. I detailed it all out. It's pretty fun.
[00:05:05] Speaker C: That's cool.
[00:05:07] Speaker A: So, yeah. So thanks for joining us today. Now we play a game here on selling a dream called Two truths and a lie. We didn't invent it. But we love it. So it's a great, it's a great fun thing to do. And I, you know, usually Joe is a lie detector in the two truths and a lie. But since Joe knows you far better than I do, we're gonna switch roles today and I'll be the lie detector. Hopefully by the end of the show, I'll be able to determine which of the three facts you give are true and which one is a lie. So it's two truths and lie. Now, we've had some guests give us all lies.
[00:05:38] Speaker B: Didn't one guy give us one guy give all
[00:05:43] Speaker A: truth?
[00:05:43] Speaker B: But then it turns out I did some due diligence afterwards and most of those truths weren't true anyway.
[00:05:50] Speaker A: Some of them were true.
[00:05:51] Speaker C: He said it was easier to find lies. It's easier for me to go, yeah,
[00:05:56] Speaker B: no truth, let's just call them. Instead of two truths and a lie, they were more like three embellishments.
[00:06:02] Speaker C: Okay, that's colorful though.
[00:06:06] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:06] Speaker A: So, Stacy, tell us three things about you, one of which is a lie and two of which is. Two of them are true.
[00:06:13] Speaker C: So I frequently teach and lecture or talk to or coach workshops on trauma, learning how to stay in your window of tolerance.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and I own one of my businesses is Doylestown Family Therapy. And I also am a yoga instructor. And I use mindfulness as the strategy to practice staying in the here and now.
[00:06:45] Speaker A: Okay, those are pretty good ones. So we'll see if we can get to the bottom of this before the end of our show here.
So, Stacy, let's jump right into it. As we chatted a little bit earlier, one of our audience, all three people that listen to this podcast primarily are entrepreneurs, salespeople, and we touch on leadership.
And I feel like in business, not enough CEOs, not enough entrepreneurs, not enough salespeople are, are in therapy. Let's face it. I think that, you know, what we go through on a daily basis, you know, is very, very difficult. What about, like, can you tell us the value in your words, what you think, why there's value in especially entrepreneurs seeking therapy and counseling?
[00:07:44] Speaker C: Yeah, I think prior to the pandemic, I really saw like the traditional person that would go to therapy. And then after the pandemic, I really wanted to work with people who wanted to get more self actualized. So really, if you think about therapy from this perspective, it's about teaching healthy communication, healthy boundaries, healthy communication, being assertive and staying in our lane.
So when it comes to, when I get my Entrepreneurs or I do any of my coaching, it's really like I'm working with a relationship.
That's really my gig. I love relationships. And so if I'm in a relationship and. And let's just say I'm. I'm in the hierarchy of how the model at a corporation would work.
See?
Sweet. Then I go to, you know, who are the people that work under me and then who goes with them? And so a lot of times that communication is what brings people to me that are really frustrated.
Why is it that this isn't happening and this isn't happening, and I go there and I write letters and I meet with my teams and I tell the usual suspects everything that they should hear.
But what they're not doing is really digging deep.
They're not really understanding who they're talking to, what they're talking about and what. Most importantly, vision.
No matter what we do, having a vision.
And this is what I was referring to earlier when we were talking, listening to your podcast with Sky.
The vision was, each day I go to work, each day I take a class. Joe was saying that each day he gets up at 5 and he doesn't drink. Every day, and he works out these little tiny steps.
Help us have a vision.
And if I know my vision, there's no.
You're not going to negotiate it with somebody, okay, here's my value system, and here is my vision. We can talk it out, but no, I'm going to talk about it in a way that's very present.
So my vision today is I am meeting with Ken and Joe, and I'm excited to be a part of this, and I love the layout that they do.
And so that's my vision.
But if in the morning, this morning, I woke up and I was like, oh, man, I'm going to be really anxious and I'm going to suck, and this is going to be horrible. And these guys, and they. It's a hot mess, right?
Then what happens is now my head starts going to a place that doesn't exist.
So when we continuously go back to vision, that vision keeps us on track, and it really kind of lowers our anxiety.
It's a vision. It's our vision board.
The other thing is that I also see how that works with relationships everywhere. Relationships with your significant other, relationships with our children, relationships at work and leadership.
If I have this vision, I have these values.
And if I continue to work and stay congruent with my values, and that keeps me, my life, more balanced, it keeps me more on. Hey, today I'm just gonna not drink today. I'm just gonna go to a meeting today. I'm just gonna take another class. I'm gonna talk to two cool guys like Joe and Ken. And so all those little things were adding to my vision today.
And that is really where I find leaders drop the ball.
There are studies that show you that a lot of CEOs, C Suite COOs, a lot of people who are high up in the military or whatever is. They don't really have that need to please people. You don't normally see a people pleaser in a really high position.
They don't have this, I need to please Joe and I need to please Ken. And I'm going to tell these employees this. No, they've gotten to where they've got in life because they have a vision, they have this drive, they have their lane, their blinders, their whatever you want to call it.
That's really what makes a successful leader.
[00:12:11] Speaker A: That is an unbelievable observation that you had just.
And super like obvious to an extent. But you don't really think about it, the lack of the people pleaser mentality in leadership roles. Like, I guess I did hear one time, like, if you want to make friends, don't be a leader. Like, because it's not an easy place to, to, to, to make friends. You have a, you have a job vision, you have to execute. You can't let you know stuff like that. I think that that's an interesting thing that I wanted to kind of bring out of what you just said. Because I. John, you, you, you, you have to agree with that, right?
[00:12:47] Speaker B: Yeah. Like I. The way. That's really a succinct way to put it. And the whole thing as you're, as you're explaining, I'm just visualizing like, like when you're. So when you have a goal or you have that vision and you're just so focused on it, it's like you're not looking at people, you're looking past, you're like looking at that goal. And it's so unwavering that anything that comes that could derail you just like deflects off it. And actually I've noticed like in relationships and things like that, that if you're so steadfast and you are so determined in your actions and their deliberate actions, then like, it actually puts other people at ease. And like, kind of like almost if you ever walk down the hall and someone's coming at you and you both like, yeah, you don't. Like, like that's like Awkward. Well, that I see that happen a lot of times in relationships and negotiations and so forth where everyone, two people are so kind of like wishy washy or like, oh, I don't know if like say I'm going to offend this person and they're doing the same thing and, and then it just gets awkward and nothing gets done. But if someone's like, this is what I'm doing, this is where I'm going. Whoever's with me is coming. If not get out of the way, if you get in the way, you're getting smashed and so forth. And that for not many people do it that way, but for the people that do it makes everyone else more comfortable around them because they know where they fall in that, that world. So I love that. It's a really great way to put it.
[00:14:14] Speaker A: So Stacy, how do you help, how do you help people in leadership positions who have that like Joe called it that not oversight, but where they're so hyper focused on the vision that, that, that sometimes what gets sacrifices, interpersonal relationships that are necessary in order to execute your vision sometimes, like is that one of the things that, that most leaders struggle with is, is trying to figure out that interconnectedness with the people that they ultimately are going to need. Rowing the bo.
[00:14:45] Speaker C: Great question or observation.
Not that I'm gonna, you know, take an inventory of people who are the CEOs or the leaders of these big corporations, the top 500 Fortune 500 companies, but a lot of times they'll come to me first in couples therapy.
They'll come in because their wife says, that's it, I'm done. I'm just going to pick on men today.
They're like, that's it, I've had it. I don't understand. When I asked him 25 times to stop and get us dinner and this guy will say, we're not going to spend money on getting dinner out. Right? We're not going to. And the wife's like, I don't understand. Like, you work all the time, you talk about this stuff all the time, but you're not willing to go and get to go foods because it's too expensive, you know. And so they have this almost myopic visual of just my lane.
Succinct, very.
And you know, another example I want to give too, when you were talking, when we talk about leadership is specialists in healthcare. You know, that's another population I work with. And so again, starting with couples therapy, do you understand? I save lives, I'm really tired.
And so what you. Oh. And then another population I work with are professional athletes. And there was.
And that's another thing you hear. But if you think about what all three of these roles kind of have in common is they were so focused on going to that level that we all.
Some of us won't ever experience, but they are so focused that they missed out on the. Who did I play with on the recess? Who did I kiss at a prom?
Did I communicate with because I went on a date instead of learning how to, you know, be the best pitcher? Who did I hang out with when I was going to med school? You know, and. And so they still have these specialties, but they didn't grow those relationships along the way.
You know, they were supported, they were loved. They love.
But it's. It's like they come out and it says, especially as they present with couples therapy is, huh.
Well, I just asked this. This is my wife, and she's not happy. I don't get it. You know, because they don't really have that almost that vulnerability or intimacy that a lot of us have been kind of forced to learn, or that's how we did find our significant others. Or.
And. And so all three of these kind of these roles. And also, military Tom is kind of cute.
I know this sounds crazy, but they come to you almost super, super innocent or naive to relationships, but they are rock stars at their job, but they get that vulnerable. The most, you know, sad people that'll come to my office when they're really sad about why this relationship with their partner isn't working, but they kill it at work.
So. So you were, you know, kind of talking about that work life thing.
I think that vision is hard when you are so focused. I mean, to become a professional athlete, to become a specialty. Like, we all want to go to the cardiologist. That's the best cardiologist, right? If things go down.
But when you're married to that guy, he's like, wait, you're talking about raisin bread? Did I tell you I worked on a guy in the hospital with raisin bread issues?
It's just sheep to slaughter. It just. It's really hard. And so I have had the pleasure of working with some pretty cool, cool individuals, and it is fun to watch them soften and yet still have the ability to be leaders.
[00:18:37] Speaker A: Wow, that's. That's impressive.
[00:18:41] Speaker B: It's really cool when you think about. It's actually scary, honestly, to me a little bit. Hear that for real.
I like as you're saying this. I'm just taking inventory of all the times that my wife, God bless her, has been like, hey, this. I'm just like, like what? I don't have time for that. Do you know how important I am? I talk to important people all day, you know, like, so it does. It's.
It's scary to hear what you just said because now I really have to, like, whoa.
[00:19:13] Speaker A: Literally grabs my face sometimes. Like, she'll just grab my face and turn it towards her and be like, I need you to listen to me for a minute.
[00:19:22] Speaker C: What?
[00:19:22] Speaker A: What is it? But I, at that point, I also, I know she's serious, and I am eternally grateful for her grace because, you know, I would never put up with me. There's no way in the world I would ever put up with me. So I get that. You know, I'm a lot as. As she says. And I know Joe and his wife, and she's an angel, too.
So. So what are some of the things?
I'm looking for freebies here, Stacy.
[00:19:47] Speaker C: You got it.
[00:19:48] Speaker A: What are some of the things. What are some of the tactics or exercises that help kind of, like you said, soften those. Those people where, you know, some things they can remember to do when they're not being present because they are in that vision mindset. How do you help people get present with their spouse specifically? But also I'd like to hear more about how can you get present with your team as well, because I think that's also an issue.
[00:20:16] Speaker C: So I'm going to actually backtrack here, and I'm going to use this word in a different way.
So what's the difference between obsessive, goal oriented, that whatever I get to the end, it was worth all the sacrifices along the way because if I had this success, I would be happy.
If I had this prestigious job, then I'd be happy. And so kind of when I shift thinking to people and I'm talking to them and I use it more in the form of a vision, I then am able to say, because if I have a vision, today we just had this vision how this was going to play out. Right?
But we can shift it as well. Like, I am so excited that we're actually talking about relationships. This is my gig. I didn't know what we were going to talk about. I knew some things, but this is the thing that I love. So now my vision is shifting and I'm becoming more excited. And so now I'm also having this ability to be so grateful because this is fun. And when I get those feelings I'm no longer able to do.
I guess I can't really. People can't see it. But this look.
Hey, honey, can you. Hey, honey, can you.
[00:21:35] Speaker A: What?
[00:21:37] Speaker C: You know what I'm talking about. And it's really. Because I'm not here right now at all.
And so what I'm doing is I'm actually not appreciating my moment. I just wasted that whole moment, that whole moment out the window because I'm in my head going, I wonder what's going to happen if Stacy's ever going to figure out how to get on this site, you know, but we, but we miss out then on that little stuff that I think Joe was talking about and Chris was talking about and Ken talks about and sky was talking about. And it's like that's where we miss that little magic that remember, every day putting these together builds a relationship.
And I always say this. Okay, so. So if you look at, like, I get teased by my friends a lot. They're like, my left hand's taking over today. But if you look at your hands and you say on the right hand, I live in a place of abundance.
I get to hang out with Ken and Joe today. I get to, after this, go do whatever I want. I get to play with my dogs. I got to go to work today.
Then I'm living in a place where I would be really bummed out if it went away because I'm so loving it. It's the get tos here is scarcity. Oh God, if I just had more money. Oh my gosh, I have to make sure I go to work. Oh, I have that really tough client today.
I have to walk across the border with luggage. Like, whatever it is, it's taking points from this. Because if you are given 100 points in the day and you spend.
Okay, right. I start off the day great. I'm so glad I got up early. I worked out. I didn't. I ate healthy. I called my friend Ken. I called Joe back, you know, and, and, and so it all starts out good. Right now I'm in the car and I'm like, huh, God, I'm gonna have to make that really difficult call today. And oh my goodness. And I have to, I have to also make sure that I'm calling the under me and ah, are we gonna have enough money to do this? Is Ken gonna get across the border with his luggage? Like then we take points away from our hundred. So maybe we started the day off with, with 10. But I promise you, if we can live in A place of abundance. We'll have the best relationship with our partners. We'll have balance, and we'll have successes.
Because really, the successes are every day, if I put a rock or pebble or anything, and mindfully, and I don't accidentally lose all those points by being in a place of fear and scarcity. Think about the mountain that you just created. So we're going to say that that's. Things go awry, things come down, and you kind of are sitting back like, oh, am I going to get, you know, blown away? No, you're not, because your mountain was created with a really good foundation.
Every day, I might not be the best, but every day I try, and every day I. I get up and I do my best, and if I can't because I'm a bit tired, then I just say that to myself, all right, today you're going to work in sweats with your hair on top of your ponytail, because nobody cares what I look like. All they want to do is be heard, you know? And those are some of my best days.
[00:24:49] Speaker B: Yeah, I. I love. I like that. Like, it's just appreciating, like, it's appreciation of.
So I've done, like, things that I've done that are really hard, that I accomplish. Like, once you get to that goal, like, there's. For me, there's always, like, a feeling of loss. Like, if I've. If I've done something amazing and I get it, I. I get there, and then I look back and I'm like, I actually, like, I kind of miss this time last year when I was struggling and it was hard and I was stressed and, like. But I got through it because I knew, like, every day. But it takes a couple. I feel like it takes a couple of those accomplishments that are hard to do to realize that sense of loss is actually, you're living and, like, once you. Once you realize, like, the struggle is actually what's kind of the fun part of these goals and living in the moment and appreciating that, like you said, like, I get to do this. I get to wake up every day. I get to have this struggle. I get to figure out these hard things and, you know, about being, like, present and kind of the dovetail on the other things that you touched on. Like, I don't know exactly what the saying is, but they say, like, you'll die a million times in your mind and once, like, in real life.
So, like, that's. That's.
[00:26:05] Speaker C: I love that. Yeah.
[00:26:06] Speaker B: Because all these things you worry about like, it, it never actually come to fruition. And then when you look back, you're like, why was I even concerned that that whole thought ruined my day? And it never got that way. And like, if I could go back and like, know how it was going to end, I wouldn't have been stressed in the first place. So I think that definitely, you know, what, what you're saying, like living in the present and actually appreciating what you have and like embracing the struggle like that. I think a lot of people, if they framed it that way in their mind, they'd have a much easier life, a lot less stress.
[00:26:39] Speaker A: You know, I think it was Mark Twain and I'm probably misquoting and maybe somebody else completely. It might have been Joe Ardos, but a great many tragedies, most of which never occurred. And that's one of the things I try and with, with my kids, you know, and, and even with salespeople. I mean, let's face it, what is call reluctance? Call reluctance is pre living the tragedy of someone saying no and rejecting you. Right? Like that's the tragedy. That's the, you know, the, the deep rooted fear of being rejected because we have this like, it built into our DNA. That rejection means you're going to get kicked out of the tribe and have to live on the land by yourself and probably die from a saber tooth tiger like that. It goes all the way back to then where rejection is a problem and people won't pick up the phone because they pre live that fear, they pre live that tragedy in their head, completely made up, and then they go, I'm not going to do that. That sounds horrible. And they put the phone down. You know, Joe, get to not have to.
Stacy, I, I absolutely love that, that mindset because it really does change everything, you know, get to not have to. There was something else.
I may have to come back to it because I was, I was listening, but there was something that popped into my head that I wanted to make sure. I said. But I, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna move on. Just, you know, for now.
Tell me about, tell me about the different aspects of your business suit. So, so marriage and relationship counseling is, is important, you know, with, you know, for the people that, you know, whether it's military or, or, or, or leaders.
PTSD is a big part of your practice as well, correct? Can you tell me a little bit about how that works into your practice and, and, and, and, and where that comes from? Why it's part of what you, what you work with people.
[00:28:35] Speaker C: So isn't it interesting how we are going about our lives and all of a sudden somebody goes fishing.
Oh, a fishing pole. Oh, I'm going to be a professional fisherman. You know, you don't recognize how something just keeps screaming at you. You know, I think that both you and Joe being entrepreneurs and being always looking for interesting things to learn about ourselves, I think it just kind of falls on you. And I think at some point I was, I was so I used to own this business and it was a lot of, A lot of people and it was a big business. I owned it since 2008, but I started off all by myself. And then I met a woman in a book study and she's like, oh, I want to come back to work. And so basically that's how I built this business.
It also, and I, and this is something I did learn from Chris or Sky or one of you guys. But the infrastructure. I didn't set out to start a business. I set out to help people come on board. And in the end, where I thought I was helping, I ended up failing miserably.
And I think that when I failed miserably, I was going through it. I had a failure. My marriage had failed, my work had failed. I mean, literally, I felt like, you know, somebody who was like licking their wounds, crawling. It was just like the stereotypical movie. And that's really where I needed that kind of inspiration. So I would just kind of get up and I'll take a class and always back to working with ptsd, you know, and so when you learn about PTSD in couples, that was really where I started it. And I, and I actually just volunteered.
I volunteered at this local place we have called the Travis Manion Foundation. And they had asked me to do something and then that helped me study it. But these are for gold star families.
And so educating them on that then led me to saying, wow, that's interesting. Then I was asked to do this 22 mile walk with 22 pounds on your back. And it's on October 22nd to represent 22 people die by suicide every single day, whether they're retired military or not. And, and so my heart was just like, ah. And then I started to learn that what happens with PTSD is our brains divide to life is good.
And then all of a sudden you are faced with something that is out of whether it's. It's our imagination, reality or it's a reality. And so our brains, being smart brains compensate.
So where then I have Ken and Joe and they're at the playground and they're doing great, and I'm there. And, man, I got.
My arm got cut off because I was playing on the swing set, Right. And so we're just going along and Ken and Joe, and now we graduate for high school. And they're like, what the hell happened to Stacy? How in God's name did Stacy end up like that emotionally? And what happened was you guys grew this way. Oh, that girl didn't like me. That was good. Oh, I have good self esteem. Oh, I'm good with rejection. These people go this way, you know, These people, it's like, they check out. They dissociate. They're like, hey, I'm good. The second. The second they perceive something's going awry, they're peace out. Or these are the people who overreact. These are the people who. Okay, to say, I loved what you had said, Ken, with the Mark Twain thing. Because what I like to say is, is somebody got a gun to your face in this minute?
No, probably not. All right, then I'm not gonna go down that path of what I need to do to protect myself.
[00:32:19] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, are you in an immediate real danger? Right. That's a question.
[00:32:23] Speaker C: And so when my friends are like, oh, my God, I'm so stressed, I'm like, is there a gun? They're like, no. I'm like, good, let's just figure this out then. We got some solutions.
One day, somebody will call me with a gun anyway. But I think then what I really learned was how really our brain affects our bodies and that our bodies affect how we think, and then how we think affects how we. And that reaction affects the actions that we take.
You know, many times, you know, we'll see that suicide. So I'm volunteering. I'm helping. I love the little, you know, my little veterans, and I love all these folks, and I'm super excited to be a part of it. And then during the pandemic, all of the. Everything crashed and burned. And sure enough, I had had a huge trauma when I was three that I poo pooed.
Everybody has.
Was a huge trauma. If you had been my patient with that, I'd have been like, oh, we got some work to do. But because I'm a survivor, and I'm a survivor, and I'm a survivor, but you can't fix this part. And at some point when you're going through it and you've had enough, your brain splits.
So when you're starting to watch, you know, the. The guy who Killed himself. Who? Oh, gosh, I wish I could remember. The business guy. And he was. He came from money, and his wife came from money, and he had had a series of misfortunes. Young guy. Oh, I wish I could remember his name. But when I was reading that article and he jumped out of a window and he left two beautiful little kids and a beautiful wife. But it was because he was so far in debt. I believe his whole identity was about that. But he was so anxious and so worried and so stressed that he got into a place of hyper vigilance.
He jumps out of a window, he takes all these extra loans, he does all this stuff, and now he's dead. He doesn't just get to be in a shack in Hawaii, living on a beach with his people.
Now, he couldn't see that because his brain was just, you know, and I think we see that a lot when we see a CEO or specialist or somebody who's. Who's had that because they don't really have that resiliency.
They had such an eye on the prize. They were so focused on the outcome of what they had. They didn't have a vision. They didn't have the capacity to shift gears. They were so in the rut.
And so I think when those things happened, and so really, PTSD is very treatable.
I went through a treatment place with my ptsd, and it was the best thing I ever did. It was.
It taught me every single thing that I know today.
Every single thing that I know today.
Because what happened was I got my brain back. It came together, and then I was able to take, oh, learning about mindfulness, learning about this, learning about that, and it all fell together into a beautiful mountain, you know, and now I own it. I get it. I can come to me, you know, and talk to me, and I'm like, I got this. We got this together, you know, And I think that's really why I'm successful.
You know, I've been through it.
[00:35:37] Speaker A: It's interesting because your trauma, ptsd, obviously, post traumatic stress disorder, if I hit that, those.
[00:35:45] Speaker C: Right.
[00:35:46] Speaker A: The trauma part doesn't always have to be from war, right? Like, that's what we think about PTSD is, you know, soldiers and, you know, because I guess it's so prevalent in that community, which is obviously understandable. But, like, we all have trauma, right, that we have to work out, right? It could be anything from the death of a family member to, you know, to. To any number of. Of things that happen to us. And you can't rate trauma on A scale of how was my trauma versus your trauma? Right. Like, you can't. It doesn't work that way. But we all have it, and we all have to work on working it out. And we all have our own, I guess, defense mechanisms, right?
[00:36:26] Speaker C: Oh, yeah, right.
[00:36:29] Speaker A: And. And I guess business owners and leaders and, and, you know, they're. They're. No, they're not immune to Trump. Failing businesses. Traumatic.
[00:36:37] Speaker C: That's it.
[00:36:38] Speaker A: That.
[00:36:38] Speaker B: But that part of it. This is. I've seen this all the time, and I like that stress. The, the scenario you described with a guy jumping out the window like, that has 100% to do. As I'm hearing that, I'm thinking, well, he probably never lived in a shack in Hawaii. He probably came with from some money.
[00:37:00] Speaker C: I did. They both did.
[00:37:01] Speaker B: Yeah. So his base, he doesn't even know how to do that. So. So when you.
I feel like the best way for me personally to deal with that stuff is like, if I'm going through any kind of financial stress or anything like that. It's like when you boil it down to your primal survival skills, I was like, how can I be, like, the healthiest dude? Like, if the world blew up tomorrow and I have to, like, kill my food and make fire, stuff like, can I do that? And like, you can work on that personally, through your fitness, through your. All that. But then financially, too, though, you know, we're pretty. I. I say we're lucky because we didn't come from money. So, like, when I. All the success that I have, like my family and stuff like that, I'm like, dude, I'm playing with the house's money. You could take this all away tomorrow. And I was happy when I didn't have anything. So that's. I think that's a huge thing for people to understand too, is like, when you start to get some means and you start to be successful and you get to these places, like, just pause for a second, be like, all right, am I happy because of these things that I'm getting, or am I happy with the people that I'm getting them with? And if we were to take us out of the situation and put us in the desert, am I going to be equally as happy with less stuff, or am I going to be miserable because I don't have anything? So that's where I think that that's important to frame it that way to really alleviate the stress that if it does all go away, let's say I go billion dollars in debt tomorrow. Like, well, you're not Coming to kill me for it. Like, I know that, like I didn't take the money from the mob.
[00:38:37] Speaker A: Depends on who you owe.
[00:38:40] Speaker C: That isn't a good idea. I tried that once. No,
[00:38:44] Speaker A: but Stacy, it brings it back to something you said earlier, right? Like, if I'll be happy when, I'll be happy when I'll be happy when. And, and like Joe said, if you enjoy the journey, if you, if you, if you appreciate the joy of progress towards a meaningful goal versus the, the obsession with the accomplishment of the goal, then it does change your, your paradigm. And, and you did. It's the get to. You get to. It builds that sense of gratitude. Right? So, so the exercises, the little exercises, just the one you just gave us of saying try and say get to. To everything instead of have to.
[00:39:19] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:39:20] Speaker A: Builds that sense of gratitude. It builds that sense of joy. And then you do start to enjoy this, the process, and you start to enjoy the journey. And man, what a difference it makes when you are enjoying the journey. Even if it's a hard, even if it's a difficult journey.
And you're right, Joe, you miss it when it's gone. Like the goal is kind of the death of a journey, you know?
[00:39:45] Speaker B: It is.
[00:39:46] Speaker A: It's crazy that when you, when you think about it that way, that's, that's
[00:39:52] Speaker C: Doer of Deeds by Teddy Roosevelt is really the beginning of me. It was, it was Brene Brown, the patient who kept saying her name and saying her name and I felt like, why should. She's like, you know, Brene Brown? I'm like, yeah, I had no idea, right? So I'm finally googling Brene Brown and I'm like, damn, I really don't read self help books. I'm going to be honest. I'll do the audible, but I'm sitting on the couch. I'm telling you, I'm going through it like it's not good at all.
Rabbits, you know, going down the rabbit holes. And, and all of a sudden I turn on Netflix because I'm going to just binge, watch, lay on the couch and cry all day. And it's Renee Brown.
Like, are you kidding me?
But while watching her, man, was she relatable. She had fallen down and she had gotten up. She was a professor that, that taught this, these relationships, you know, I think in Texas. And she was a bit older than me, but she talked about how she got, she does these TED talks and she's just very, you know, and, and that she was getting criticized and getting these, like, she needs botox. And her hair's a mess, and what's she thinking? And nobody listened to her message. Message. But instead, they were just looking at her. Anyway, long story short, as she's talking about it, she's saying, we will all fail.
I will fail. Ken will fail. Joe will fail. But that failure is a gift, because with great trying, with great.
With. With just throwing it out there and giving it our hundred percent, we will fail.
But at least when we fail, we fail daringly. Because we will know great successes, because we are all in.
And we will know great failures. But we can't have great successes without great failures. And then I shift over to the cheap seats. So this is all really important part of this, like, process for me. That's where. And you said. You said the magic word, Ken. But really that way of that balance to me is appreciation, because we're finding joy in that moment. Oh, my God, my wife just came in and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
Instead of like, oh, don't you know what I'm doing? You're like, I gotta kiss on the cheek. That's cool stuff, right?
So it's like that. So going back to. It was the cheap seats.
I historically have always, over here, had the cheap seats. And you know who these people are? You're not doing it right. You're doing it wrong. You're a loser. You. You suck. Here's a bad review. Here's this. Here's. You're. You're. You're not. You're like, but what are they doing? They're sitting on their butts. They're eating popcorn. They are insecure, arrogant, or they are just mean.
They have no joy.
Whereas the three of us are in the arena. We're all muddy. We're all marred. I'm like, Joe's like, get up, Stace. And I'm like, no. And then I'm like, joe falls down. And I'm like, you got this, Joe. You're my hero. And Ken's like, I gotta walk across the border with suitcases. And hopefully I'll be okay. But we're a team, so guess what? You get to tell me what you think of me, and you get to tell me what you think of me, and you get to tell me where I'm doing it right or wrong. And you do too. And that, to me, is what those leaders have.
They're in the mud.
And until you're ready to get in the mud with them.
So the people in my life, who are the people who lifted me up through all of this Joe being one of them. You know, I had a team. I had Team Stacy. You know, it was my best friend Ozzy and my sister Aaron and my friend April and my friend Kate and my friend Trisha and Robin. That's my posse, that I felt like I got nothing. I got nothing. And they were like, head above the water. Head above the water. It's then I could trust them. And they were in the arena with me.
And I think that is why I'm a good leader. And you're a good leader. And you're a good leader because I'm. This is gonna sound crazy, but humble, right? I've lost my shit and I've got my shit back and.
And it's better and it's like stronger and it's real and I own it. I'm not reading about it. I'm not getting somebody to tell me about it. I'm living it.
[00:44:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:44:07] Speaker C: And then I can sell it.
And then I can also give the ability for somebody else to feel that Joy on the 405 in traffic.
[00:44:18] Speaker B: Right.
It's definitely like, I feel like there's. If you don't have the juxtaposition of success and failure, then there's. There's no, there's nothing to compare it to. And like we live in a. I've noticed this recently with my kids is like when you get to a point where things that are so great become normalized. You're ultimate. You're always going to look your. Your brain naturally you're going to have some kind of hardships, you know, like you're going to find something to stress out about. Your brain just works that way. So, like, yeah, you don't have.
If, if things are too great all the time, then you're doing it wrong. Like, you need to take the risk. You need to know that you're going to fail and then that's going to have a bigger upswing and so forth. So it's almost like your, your midline of where your life is can be elevated by taking like, huge downfalls and upswings and so forth. But if you, like you said, if you embrace these failures as opportunities and things like that, then like the comeback is going to be even twice as big as, you know, if you're just playing it safe and everything becomes desensitized because that's what you're used to.
[00:45:28] Speaker A: And the people who have been in the mud respect the other people have
[00:45:31] Speaker B: been in the mud.
[00:45:31] Speaker A: Yes, I love what I love about Steve Jobs story is not that he was the CEO of Apple is that he was kicked out of Apple and then came back. Like, do you imagine starting a company and then your own board boots you, like, for whatever reason? I mean, the guy was pretty crazy, but crazy as he may be, he came back and saved the company. And that's. That's. That's what I love about a guy. I mean, that talk about being highs are high and your lows are low. I have. I have more respect for him for the comeback than for the what he built the first time.
[00:46:06] Speaker C: And by the way, that's the answer right there. It's not that you fell down. It's how you get back up again that makes character and integrity. And also, I'm gonna take your advice, right? You fought. First of all, you still liked me when I fell down and I was in the mud.
Sometimes I think my mud might have been manure, but. But you still liked me. But more importantly, you inspired me. And you. You kind of dusted me off. And you're like, you can do it. Oh, I'm not gonna lie. I licked my wounds for at least a solid year of like, oh, my God, I have to start all over again. But yay, because I got to go back and fix the infrastructure and go back, and not just with the business, but with my life.
Joe or Ken, one of you guys said something that I want to go back to marriage.
How many times have you met somebody who. A friend or maybe somebody you dated before you got married? But. But they're just more like me. Like, they're just like, oh, you're funny. Oh, you know, but you can't get in there. You don't really know what they're about. You don't really. They're not brave with love. They're not showing up the way we want them to show up because they're in the bleachers. Do you think I'm. Do you think I'm perfect? Do you think I'm this, oh, let me show you my muscles. But it's not. You can have the muscles. You can have the that. But if you're not gonna show up every day with a hundred percent love, then you're. Then every day you're a failure. You know, one of the things I love the most? I love when I have two people on the couch. I don't care if they've got guns going at each other. I love you so much. And I love you so much, and we're gonna figure this out. And I go, that is romantic to me. That is a love story to me.
[00:47:51] Speaker A: That's a great way to bring this thing to a close. And I can literally picture what you're saying. People who are so committed.
[00:48:02] Speaker B: Me and KJ Actually had that same scenario.
We were on the couch, and I had a gun to him, and I said, I love you, KJ and he said, I love you.
[00:48:14] Speaker A: We're gonna figure this thing out.
[00:48:15] Speaker C: You were so in my nerves, you
[00:48:17] Speaker B: know, it was weird.
[00:48:20] Speaker A: We haven't. We haven't fought since Pittsburgh, probably.
[00:48:24] Speaker C: Wait, was Pittsburgh, like, two weeks ago or 15 years ago?
[00:48:27] Speaker A: 20 years ago. 20 years ago.
Hilarious story, though. All right, so we're gonna come back to true. Two truths and a lie, I believe. Frequent teacher of workshops, licensed marriage therapy and yoga instructor.
[00:48:50] Speaker C: You.
[00:48:51] Speaker A: You seem all right, so here's. Here's what I'm gonna say. Number one, you use the word class a lot, taking a class. And I believe that yogis have a tendency to take as much as they instruct.
I feel like I know that about that. That community.
I can tell you're a marriage therapist. That's an easy one.
You have that in you to be a teacher. So it wouldn't shock me. You teach workshops.
I feel like all three of these could easily be true.
[00:49:25] Speaker C: I did a good job then, because mine were really big.
[00:49:28] Speaker A: I'm going to go with.
And Joe, I'll give you a chance to answer as well. I'm going to go with yoga instructor. I'm going to say that you are a yo. You practice yoga. But I'm going to say you're probably not an instructor. Joe, what do you think?
[00:49:44] Speaker B: I'm going to.
Yeah, I'm going to agree with that one. Just because I know how focused and passionate Stacy is with her helping people on the inside, and I know how much time it takes to become a yoga instructor. And, I don't know, fit that into your schedule. I'm going to say yoga instructor.
[00:50:08] Speaker A: What?
[00:50:09] Speaker C: Right? And I was sitting there going, I haven't shown this to one person that didn't go, I'm feeling like it's yoga instructor. But then my friends were like, but the mindfulness kind of could trick them. But I think that, you know, when I said classes, though, okay, so when you have burnout, another thing, when I'm coaching folks at business and doctors and anybody who has burnout, the number one way to treat burnout, we think it's a spa to trip to Mexico, but it's actually to go back in and inspire yourself with learning.
So I take classes on how to Treat what to look at, how to do the. I go to a meetings. You know what I mean? I'm just constantly trying to. Just really helps me with that appreciation.
[00:50:51] Speaker A: Where do you take classes? Like what's your favorite source for learning?
[00:50:55] Speaker C: Well, a lot of our classes, so psychology because we have to take continuing in. A lot of them will show up that way. But now that I'm kind of off on my own little planet, I. I find Navy seal. I feel obsessed with the Navy SEAL process.
Like that's another. Like I'll read about Navy seals or just how they have no quit. So if you have no quit. If you have no quit, then you have to find a solution.
So, yeah, stuff like that. And then.
But a lot of it is learning about trauma because I find a lot of therapy, a lot of coaching comes.
Comes out of that.
[00:51:39] Speaker A: Awesome.
[00:51:40] Speaker C: And I like people so much. You know, I find everybody interesting and cool unless. And if they're not, I'm really curious about why they're not in my mind.
[00:51:49] Speaker A: You know, I love that.
[00:51:51] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:51:51] Speaker A: I mean, I say that be nice to everyone. Be friends with the ones that are nice back and. And pray for the ones that aren't. Is just that way of like, you know, you don't know why people are where they are. They're that way for all their own reasons. And I love your curiosity around it.
Awesome. Thank you very much for joining us today. This was awesome.
[00:52:10] Speaker C: Thank you.
[00:52:11] Speaker A: I do go back and listen to these. I don't think Joe does, but I do go back and listen to these and I enjoy them. I get so much more the second time because I'm listening. But, you know, I forget what we talked about in the first five minutes already because I'm so engrossed in what we're talking about now. And I know I'm going to go back and enjoy this one. So, Stacy, thank you very much for joining us. Hopefully you'll join us again and next time I'm in California, who knows, maybe we'll get a chance to meet.
[00:52:38] Speaker C: I'm in Bucks county now. I'm in Doylestown.
[00:52:41] Speaker A: You're in Doylestown now.
[00:52:44] Speaker C: Come meet me anytime and I'll give you guys free color.
I grew up in California. Yeah. And I go home a lot. But there's something else you said. I wanted to end on this note.
It went away, but it was, you know, about really the empowerment of ourselves is really how we empower others that makes us have healthy relationships with our kids and our families. And that gratitude of if it goes away and it does, then I'm not going to be okay. And I think that helps us with the getchus.
Thank you, guys. I love this.
Oh, I know what I did want to say.
